- Take a blue balloon and bend it into the shape of the letter J. “Look, it’s a blue jay.”
- When making a spiral balloon… “I don’t usually make this balloon during the summer. You see, it’s more of a spring balloon.”
- When making a balloon pony… “This isn’t gonna be a talking balloon. You know why? He’s a little horse. [hoarse]
- When making a duck, have a restaurant-goer hold onto the duck’s bill. “Ma’am, this balloon is a good friend of mine. His name is Bill. Do you promise to be nice to Bill?” “yes” “Do you promise not to hurt Bill” “yes” “Promise not to drop Bill on the ground?” “yeah.” “You’re gonna take care of the bill?” “Yeah” “Wow, that’s generous of you to take care of the bill, you guys all hear that, she’s paying for dinner.”
- Holding a long white balloon up high in the air, “You know what this is a sculpture of?” “A fluorescent light bulb. See?… Oh never mind, it’s over your head.”
- “You want a lion? Ok, but I don’t do a full-sized lion, only do a lion cub. It’s a liability thing really. If one kid gets eaten by a balloon lion I lose my job, so I just make them in cub form. In fact, I do that for all the big cats. I do a lion cub, a tiger cub, a cheetah cub, a cougar cub… in fact if someone asks me for a lion cub and a cheetah cub, I make em a Sammy Sosa…He’s a Lyin’ cub and a Cheata’ cub.”
- I make a great bow and arrow, but when a little boy asks me for a bow I make him a pretty little pink hair bow. (Don’t worry I make him a bow and arrow too.)
- When someone asks for a flower put two pinch twists right next to each other on a little red piece of scrap. Hand them their two-lips (tulips)
- OK, I’ll make you a flower. Put your hands way up in the air. Ok, now put your hands way out at your sides. Now put your hands right next to your face just like this… and smile. There, I made you a flower. [they look like they’re a flower]
- Take a balloon and hold it in a loop right next to your hip. “Do you know what animal this is? I’ll give you three hints. It’s a big animal. It’s an African animal and it lives in da Nile.” “It’s a Hippo” (Hip – O) “The problem is, he thinks he’s a golden retriever. Yeah, like I said, he lives in denial.” “Get it, Da Nile, Denial. It reminds me of a French swimmer. If you see a swimmer in Paris, he’s probably in-Seine.”
- When making a horse… “I always make my horses with tulips. Ya know why? I tried making one with three lips once and it looked really weird.”
- Here Sir, can you hold this balloon for me?” “Why thank you. You make a wonderful shelf. You’re great at sitting there and holding stuff. In fact, I would go so far as to say you’re a very shelfish [selfish] person.” “You know what we do to the shelfish here? We eat ‘em. They’re shellfish.”
- Whenever a balloon shape requires a figure 8, I turn it sideways and yawn, saying “Wow, I’m really tired today. There’s some days you feel like you’ve made an infinite number of balloons.”
- Partway through making a pig balloon, I hand the pig head off to one of the women at the table and ask her to hold it for me. A few seconds later I turn to her and say, “Ma’am, I mean no disrespect, but you have a pig face.” It never fails to get a laugh.
- “Can you hold this balloon for me? It’s not finish’ yet. In fact, it’s not even Norwegian, but definitely not Finnish.”
By Brian Getz, briansballoons@gmail.com
This article originally appeared in The Voice of FCM, vol. 57 num. 6.
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